


If She Could Tell Her

by risingEdge



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Mutual Pining, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:22:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24382768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/risingEdge/pseuds/risingEdge
Summary: Inspired by “If I could tell her” from Dear Evan Hansen.Before the game and after the hot spring, Ellie and Aster hang out again. Ellie tries to convince Aster that Paul likes her, and ends up confessing her feelings.Or.“If I could tell her” but gay.
Relationships: Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 12
Kudos: 152





	If She Could Tell Her

I really like her, Ellie thought, staring subtly at Aster. 

Shit, was her next thought. She didn’t even know why Aster wanted to hang out with her. Aster’s the only one who actually liked the things Ellie liked, the only one she could hold a conversation with without wanting to throw herself out of a window. Granted, most of that conversation would be stilted thanks to how distracted Ellie was around her, but still. The fact that hung out together had to account for something. 

So yeah, Ellie might be falling in love with her friend’s crush. She knew it might become a problem at some point, but it's been fine so far. She knew Aster was straight, and she knew she would never reciprocate her feelings, but at least if Ellie got her and Paul together, they would still see each other pretty often.

Knowing that didn't stop her heart from hurting though. 

“Hey, you good?” Aster asked, eyebrows raised. Ellie coughed, blinking. Back to reality, back to where they were having a second hang out session at Ellie’s place. Gay panic aside, Ellie genuinely enjoyed herself with Aster. Mucking around at the hot spring was the most excitement she had in ages, and having the honest conversation afterwards had felt comforting. 

“Yeah, I was just… thinking of something.” Thinking of how Aster sounded like an angel when she sang; thinking of how she might actually be an angel; thinking of how she knew Ellie the way no one else did- “It's nothing, really.”

Aster narrowed her eyes, but nodded and let the subject go anyway. Internally, Ellie heaved a huge sigh of relief. After all, there was no casual way to declare one’s gay forbidden love.

Suddenly, Aster straightened herself, brightening up. There was a gleam in her eyes that made Ellie’s heart tighten. “So… have you heard the new album yet? It’s so good.”

Ellie blinked twice before registering what she had just said. She may or may not have gotten distracted by Aster’s eyes, god, her eyes- “Oh, I haven’t had the chance to. It just came out yesterday didn’t it?”

“Yup! And I’ve listened to each song like a million times already. Come on, you have to watch this music video. I’m sure it’ll blow your mind.” Aster got up and started looking through her phone to find the video. With her brow furrowed and head slightly tilted, she looked like the most adorable person Ellie had ever had the privilege of knowing. 

Finally, Aster exclaimed in delight as soft music started playing. “Don’t just stand there, come here!” She dragged El over to sit next to her, hesitating slightly before putting her head against Ellie’s shoulder. Ellie stiffened up instinctively before relaxing slightly, her own head leaning against Aster’s as the latter snuggled in closer. 

Sitting there, on the floor of her bedroom, Ellie felt more at ease than she had ever been. It all felt so… good. Familiar. Comfortable. So, of course she had to go ruin it. 

“How’s it going with Paul?” 

At her words, Aster’s shoulders tightened, and she lifted her head off El’s shoulders. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ellie immediately missed the feeling of Aster leaning against her but ignored it, instead turning around to face Aster properly, frowning. “Why not? What happened?” 

Aster shrugged and folded her arms, eyes focused on the ground. “You know how I’ve been talking to him more. It’s just, face to face, he seems… different, as compared to his letters. More shallow, if I could put it that way? Less…” she gestured around, searching for the correct word, “less intellectual.”

Ellie laughed out loud. She couldn’t help herself. All her effort, and Paul had ruined it all. In a few days; not hours, since Paul was surprisingly dense, she would probably have to deal with a broken hearted boy who had no idea about what true pining was. Was this what her life had come to?

“Why are you laughing? It’s not that funny,” Aster said, her arms crossed defensively this time. 

Seeing her mistake, Ellie covered her mouth briefly before trying to explain, “I just-”

“You know what, whatever,” Aster cut her off, clearly angry at this point. “Let’s just continue watching this video.” She turned back to the screen resolutely, eyes clearly avoiding Ellie’s.

“No, Aster, wait,” El tried again, grabbing her phone and forcing Aster to look at her. Aster raised her eyebrows and Ellie took a deep breath. Maybe she could still save the situation. 

“It’s just.. I only laughed because Paul likes you so much. Like, everyday, I look at my phone and just see a million texts of him worrying about what to do for you. The way I see it, he’s still the same guy, just less able to communicate effectively in person.”

Aster snorted. “Seriously?” she asked, but El could tell that she was already being won over; the growing smile on her face was evidence enough. 

“Yeah, he.. umm, _he thought you were awesome,”_ Ellie tried, offering Aster a smile.

 _“He thought I was awesome? Paul?”_ Aster laughed again, tilting her head and giving Ellie a look of disbelief. Time for Ellie to fix that. 

_“Definitely!”_ she blurted out, nodding her head as if that alone could convince Aster. A slight pause, then- 

_“How?”_

_“Well, he said  
there’s nothing like your smile,  
sort of subtle and perfect, and real.”_

Ellie stared at Aster as she lied through the skin of her teeth. She wasn’t lying about the part about Aster’s smile! Just the part where she said Paul had said it. Other than that, everything else was real, things that Ellie had observed over time. Her smile which seemed almost ethereal, her laughter which rang out loudly when she watched a horror film, it was all perfect. 

Noticing that she had paused for some time and Aster was now staring at her, Ellie quickly cleared her throat and continued, 

_“He said  
you never knew how wonderful  
that smile could make someone feel.”_

At this, Aster’s smile grew even wider and she touched her lips briefly before quickly pressing her lips together and dissolving her smile, though the tips of her mouth continued sloping upwards like the strokes of a brush on an unfinished painting. Leaning forward, she gestured for Ellie to go on.

 _“And he knew  
whenever you get bored  
you scribble stars on the cuffs of your jeans.”_

_“And he noticed,  
that you still fill out the quizzes  
that they put in those teen magazines.”_

Ellie knew that she should stop lying. All these statements would just end up as observations that Paul would have to lie about liking without ever knowing they existed in the first place. And yet, Ellie just couldn’t stop. This never-ending list of little things were what made Aster so perfect, yet so human at the same time. They were parts of her that Ellie adores. Was it really such a crime to admit to Aster that someone out there has noticed and actually appreciates these things?

 _“Did he say anything else?”_ asked Aster, interrupting Ellie’s train of thoughts. She had probably paused for quite some time, Ellie realised. 

Caught off guard, Ellie stuttered, _“About you?”_

Immediately, Aster retracted her statement, looking slightly embarrassed, _“Nevermind, I don’t really care anyway-”_

_“No, no just, no, he said so many good things about you, I’m just, I’m trying to remember the best ones, so um-”_ Ellie stuttered again. She felt foolish, but Ellie simply didn’t want to let go of this moment they were having. The fact that she was stuttering didn’t really help matters, so she took a deep breath before continuing.

 _“He thought,  
you looked really pretty, er-”_

Realising that sounded slightly superficial, Ellie backwheeled immediately,

 _“It looked pretty cool when you put indigo streaks in your hair.”_

That wasn’t much better, but was at least a mild improvement, Ellie thought.

 _“He did?”_ Aster asked, unconvinced. Ellie nodded instinctively. Vaguely, she remembered Aster telling her that the purple hair was her weird rebellious phase, one of the few times she went against her dad. She had seemed embarrassed and didn’t want to talk much about it, but the hair had definitely made Aster prettier at that time. Moving on quickly, Ellie continued,

 _“And he wondered how you learnt to dance  
Like the rest of the world isn’t there.”_

At this, Ellie noticed what was definitely a blush on Aster’s cheeks. Instantly, her heart felt warm and fluttery, tingling oddly as a smile painted itself on her face. She had made Aster blush! In her mind, it felt as if there had been a “ding!” and she had unlocked a new achievement. And yet, it suddenly struck her that Aster didn’t exactly know it was Ellie who was saying all this and was probably falling deeper in love with Paul…. 

All of a sudden, the fluttering of her heart stopped and Ellie came crashing into the ice-cold waters of reality. Her smile disappeared and she coughed once, trying to ignore how cold she suddenly felt.

How was it fair that she had to repress and hide her feelings, while Paul got to talk about his? How was it fair that she would forever be pining whilst some boy would get their happily ever after? How was all this fair? 

Unexpectedly, she felt her feelings start to boil over. Rage, indignation, yearning; they all spilt out of her in her words. What had been lies about Paul were now truths about herself. The words were her confession, yet the person they were meant for would never understand.

_“But he kept it all inside his head,  
what he saw he left unsaid.  
And though he wanted to,  
he couldn’t talk to you,  
he couldn’t find the way.  
But he would always say-”_

As she spoke, she could feel herself breaking apart. She hated this. She hated that the world was unfair. She hated that she had to hide herself and her feelings. But, try as she may, she couldn’t bring herself to hate the feelings she had for Aster. 

_“If I could tell her,  
tell her everything I see.  
If I could tell her,  
how she’s everything to me.”_

Ellie stared into Aster’s eyes. Aster was looking at the ground, a far-away look in her eyes. Ellie’s own eyes were almost tearing up, and conveyed in them an almost desperate plea. A plea for Aster to somehow understand how she felt. But Aster wasn’t looking. 

_“But we’re a million worlds apart.  
And I don’t know how I would even start.”_

They were so close, so close together now. But it would never matter in the end, would it? They could be right next to each other, while always remaining a thousand miles apart. 

_“If I could tell her,  
but what do you do when there’s this great divide?”_

Ellie looked away now, suddenly feeling very alone. 

_“He just seemed so far away…”_ mused Aster in a tone almost too quiet for Ellie to hear. 

_“And what do you do when the distance is too wide?”_ That was a question Ellie would love to have the answers to. Maybe the correct answer was to leave, and let the physical distance grow to match the emotional one. Maybe it would be worth it to leave Squahamish, if it meant leaving all this hurt behind.

 _“It’s like I don’t know anything!”_ Aster exclaimed. Ellie felt like laughing bitterly. After all, Aster still didn’t know anything. And, more likely than not, she would never know anything. At this, Ellie felt desperate, a confession started clawing at her from the inside. She wanted so much to be able to tell Aster how much she loved her, she wanted for Aster to like her back, she wanted the world to be ok with all that. Without thinking, Ellie burst out,

 _“And how do you say, I love you,”_ Ellie stared intensely at Aster now. Aster was still staring at the floor, but her facial expressions had suddenly frozen in place, and a small frown was slowly appearing.

 _“I love you,”_ Ellie repeated, intuitively grabbing Aster’s arm to get her attention. Aster startled and turned around to face Ellie fully, her eyebrows furrowing. She wasn’t smiling anymore, instead looking at Ellie with some inscrutable feeling. 

_“I love you,”_ she said again, thumb tracing a slow circle on Aster’s wrist. Briefly, Ellie let her eyes flicker downwards to Aster’s lips, then up again. They held eye contact for what seemed like an eternity. With anyone else, it would have felt awkward. With Aster, Ellie felt like she could hold it forever. 

In that moment, Ellie knew that Aster actually understood what she was saying. She understood that the words coming out of Ellie’s mouth were her own, not Paul’s. She understood that… 

_“I love you,”_ Ellie trailed off, unable to stop the words from coming out of her mouth. She felt a sudden spike of unease. What was she doing, just confessing her love to Aster in such a dramatic fashion? She had just exposed herself! And now she was going to lose Aster as a friend, and probably lose Paul along the way too. The whole damn town was going to know that Ellie Chu was gay and she would be an outcast. Quickly, she released Aster’s arm and shifted backwards, away from Aster. 

_“But we’re a million worlds apart,  
and I don’t know how I would even start.  
If I could tell her…  
If I could…”_

Ellie’s thoughts were racing. This had been a stupid move. Aster would never reciprocate her feelings. They were never going to get together. They would never have their happy ending, and her entire world would be crashing down-

Oh. 

Aster’s mouth was pressed against hers, soft and almost sweet. On the floor, Aster had moved right next to Ellie and currently had her arms wrapped around the latter, lips moving slowly. Ellie closed her eyes and gripped Aster’s shoulders tightly, enjoying the sensation. 

Then, they broke apart with a gasp. Leaning their foreheads against each other, Ellie let out a satisfied sigh and looked at Aster, mildly confused. “You… I,” she stuttered out. 

What was going on? 

“You like me?” Ellie finally managed, running her fingers along Aster’s arm. God, how lucky she was that she got to do that. 

Aster laughed, cupping Ellie’s face gently. “Yes, I do.” She snuggled in closer, then said, “ever since that day in the hallway, really. You looked so confused that we were speaking, you couldn’t even speak in complete sentences. Much like now, I guess.”

Ellie laughed at that, tilting her head in an effort to capture all the beauty of Aster in one go. They sat in silence for a while. 

“What about Paul?” Ellie asked softly.

Aster paused, then sighed. “I guess I only really liked him because of what he said in his letters. I thought I could grow to love him, that he would have been someone who really understood me, and then I started talking to you, and the way you spoke just sounded so familiar… I mean, the stuff at the end- it’s like my mind just went ‘oh’.”

Ellie considered her words for a moment, before smiling softly and hugging Aster tightly. “I see.”

They sat like that for a moment, before Aster snorted half-heartedly, “My dad’s gonna kill me if he finds out.” She wiped her eyes on her sleeve, and Ellie heard her sniffle.

Ellie simply squeezed Aster tighter, focusing on her. With Aster at the centre of her universe, everything else fell into oblivion. “We’ll face it all together. I promise.”

Aster choked back a sob. “Ok, together.”

“Together,” Ellie promised.


End file.
